The Pause Button

Why we need to seek God daily.

It’s been a good minute since I’ve posted.

My mind has been in tangles, overwhelmed with a to-do list longer than my arm as I prepare to sell my house. But it’s also full of exciting tasks like planning a honeymoon and house shopping with my fiancé. Whether it’s stressful thoughts or happy thoughts, they’re all fighting to occupy the same space in my busy mind at the moment.

My body has been punished the last few months. I’ve been on the pain train rehabbing hard from a hip replacement and a spinal surgery mere months ago…pushing myself to regain the strength and conditioning level I once had so I can get back to doing the activities I love (not coincidentally, the same activities that led to the aforementioned hip replacement and spinal surgery).

I’ve been suffering from daily headaches and dizziness, for which I’m still seeking medical answers. I won’t lie…it’s making me a little anxious. I also recently spent a week and a half working out of town, spending 15-hour days on my feet and getting less sleep than I should.

So I back-burnered this little blog.

I hate that I did that. I feel like I should have pushed through it all to put out content that might help someone. What if someone needed the words I’ve withheld over this period of time? Did I fail them?

But still, I found myself uninspired. I had no ideas, no energy. I was tired and out of things to say. And do you know why? In all this busyness, stress, physical exhaustion, and pain, I’d stopped listening for God. I wasn’t seeking his voice. I hadn’t turned my back on him, I’d simply pressed the pause button.

I wasn’t seeking his voice. I hadn’t turned my back on him, I’d simply pressed the pause button.

Today, I realized that’s exactly what I did during my wilderness period when I was in active addiction to alcohol over 8 years ago.

With all the pain and shame that comes from everything you break and everything you lose when you’re in active addiction, you shut down. You hide from God. You stop seeking him. And when you don’t seek him, it’s unlikely you’ll hear from him.

It wasn’t always that way though. I was raised in the church, Southern Baptist to be exact. Every Sunday morning I was there for Sunday School, then church service, then back in the afternoon for youth choir practice, then Sunday night service. And let’s not forget Wednesday fellowship supper, RA’s, Bible drill, and prayer meeting.

That all changed when I went off to college, as I image it does with many good church kids. I partook in all the worldly things college had to offer—especially alcohol. I was drunk every weekend—frat house, dumb-kid, attention-seeking, non-thinking, stupid-drunk.

I put God on pause.

Fast forward to my mid to late 20s when my then-wife and I moved to Nashville. I still drank, sometimes casually, sometimes heavily, but I was a little more mature, more responsible, working in a real job, paying a mortgage, and doing all the adult things. We found a church and attended regularly. We became very active in a young couples small group, I sang in the choir, and we got back into God’s word.

*Unpause God*

Our first child was born shortly thereafter. We were now new parents wanting to do God’s will in raising our little family.

*Fast forward*

We were becoming more and more successful in our jobs, earning more money and climbing ladders. Next would come a new house in a desireable new neighborhood in the equally desireable town of Franklin, just south of Nashville. Our second child was born shortly thereafter.

New neighbors were moving in all around us as our street was being built. We were all the same—young, married couples with young kids.

Enter the cul de sac social scene.

*Pause God*

I began to fall back into my old habits, specifically heavy drinking. But I felt I had an excuse—we were hanging out with great people in our great cul de sac in our great subdivision in our great town. Hey, I’d earned my way here, right? I deserved to have some fun.

However, this would be a long, long God pause—one that would lead me into a dark journey in the wilderness of pain, loss, and addiction. After years of wandering I finally got sober and surrendered my will to God. I awakened and started to fight my way out of the wilderness.

*Unpause*

I dug in to understand what he was teaching me through all of my pain. I sought his voice, his direction. And guess what? He’d been there all along. He doesn’t abandon us. When we choose to seek him—to rely on him—he’s there saying, “I’ve got you.”

He doesn’t abandon us. When we choose to seek him—to rely on him—he’s there saying, “I’ve got you.”

My relationship with God became stronger and more consistent than ever. That’s how I made it out. That’s how he rebuilt me. And he can 100% do it for you, brother.

Over the past few weeks, I should have been applying the same discipline in seeking God as I did when I was rebuilding my life during my journey through the wilderness of alcoholism. Perhaps God would have given me something to write about, and given me the energy and enthusiasm to do it no matter how I felt. Or perhaps he would’ve said, “It’s ok. Take a break.” Either way, I missed the opportunity to know because I disconnected from him. I paused him.

I also exposed myself to the enemy like I’d done so many times before in my story. Pausing God gives Satan an opening. We put on the full armor of God but then create a chink in that armor for the devil to exploit.

So what seeking God look like? I’m no theologian, but I came across this verse as I contemplated how I’d put God on pause and how I should seek him daily instead:

Psalm 63:1 “You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”

The writer, David, was actually in the wilderness (the Desert of Judah) when he wrote this, likely fleeing from enemies that were hunting him.

But what do you notice about this?

He was in the desert…and writing about his thirst for God. I probably would’ve prayed for a tall drink of water, but David was there telling God how much he thirsts for Him. In fact, he sounds desperate—not for water or food or other comforts, but for God’s love.

What’s my excuse?

Everything I described in the first few paragraphs above sounds pretty bad, but it’s no excuse to hit pause. David was having much bigger problems than me, yet there he was thirsting for God, seeking him with all his soul. My pause/unpause cycle with God throughout my life prevented me from having that kind of deep relationship with him.

Imagine watching a movie—a really good one. You’re engrossed in the compelling plot and can’t wait to see what happens next, but for whatever reason you have to continuallly press the pause button. Each time you pause the movie you find yourself a little more disconnected with it and less invested in the story.

Like a movie, our relationship with God is richer, more engrossing when we block out distractions and other excuses for pausing it over and over.

I’m a little ashamed that I made this simple mistake of pausing God lately. I wasn’t sure I wanted to write about it, but that’s what God gave me today. Perhaps some of you fall into this cycle of pause/unpause with God during certain periods of your lives too. It might be for one day. It might be for 10 years.

The good news is that you can still press Play.

Have you unintentionally paused God? What can you do to now to press Play and seek him more consistently?